Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Name the States .....



The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"....

[thedrifter]

Naming the Suspects



The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."

[thedrifter]

Native Tongue



A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."


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[thedrifter]

Nativity Scene



With Christmas closing in, I'm reminded of the time I was sitting in a local pizza takeout waiting for my order. Being a good Italian takeout, there was a nativity scene set up, and with nothing better to do I contemplated the figurines gathered 'round the manger:

... shepherd ... camel ... wise man ... wise man ...
Princess Leia in slave-girl outfit ... donkey ...
wise man ... Imperial Stormtrooper ... Yoda ...

I can only surmise that the tinsel-encrusted bauble suspended over the whole scene was the "Death Star O' Bethlehem."

[thedrifter]

Naval Efficiency



A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."

[thedrifter]

The Navy Experience



The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom

* * * * * *

I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights.

2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day.

13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.

27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.

28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.

29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.

[thedrifter]

Near Death Experience



A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live,"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

[thedrifter]

The Necklace



A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

[DanBO]

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the
gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling.. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way!
Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion
that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other
one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you
know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through
the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in
his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

(Must have run into a bunch of Marines before!!)

"Semper Fi Mac"

[Phantom Blooper]

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.

"Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"

"What was 'terrible'"" said the doctor. "Was the sex not Good?" "

Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again.

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

[Phantom Blooper]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

[Phantom Blooper]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[thedrifter]

Need a Lift?



As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

[thedrifter]

Need a Lift? (ver 2)



An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".


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[thedrifter]

Needed To Be Pushed....




A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....


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[thedrifter]

Neighbors



Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"


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[thedrifter]

Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be


My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

[thedrifter]

Nervous Flyer




I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

[thedrifter]

Never Sick



Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

[thedrifter]

The New Baby



Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

[thedrifter]

New Bicycle



"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

[thedrifter]

The New Cook



The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

[thedrifter]

New Elingsh




Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.


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[thedrifter]

The New Horse



A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!"

[thedrifter]

New House




A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby.

Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.

The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

[thedrifter]

New House


When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said.

"I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room.

But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

[thedrifter]

New Improved Government



The Clinton Administration, for all its foibles, may have actually accomplished something in the field of "re-inventing government", according to a new book by Paul C. Light of the Brookings Institute entitled The True Size of Government. The Clinton/Gore team promised to downsize government in the inimitable style of Corporate America, and they seem to have done a grand job. While cutting a record 350,000 civil service jobs, they further "streamlined" government by adding 16 new administrative layers; as many as were created by the previous seven administrations combined.

As a public service, we are going to clarify a few of these vital job titles for you. First among the new positions is the Deputy Associate Deputy Secretary, who should not be confused with the Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary, or the Assistant Deputy Assistant Secretary, both of whom report to the Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary and not the Deputy Associate Assistant Secretary, as some mistakenly believe.

The post of Associate Assistant Administrator has been lost; but that role has been ably filled by the Deputy Associate Deputy Administrator, not to be confused with the Associate Deputy Assistant Administrator, or for that matter, the Assistant Deputy Administrator, who, as you will remember, works under the Associate Deputy Administrator. We hope this has now enlightened those of you who were in the dark. And, in case you were considering applying for the job (and we know you were), there is no longer an Assistant Administrator Adjutant Deputy Associate Administrative Aide to the Deputy Associate Administrator.

We here at Inside Cover are speculating that this job still exists, but that it was sadly truncated by a non-conforming, 'mission-critical' computer in a bizarre Y2K accident. (We can only shudder to think what happened to the actual human being, if there was one, who occupied this essential civil post). (http://www.brook.edu)


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[Ed Palmer]

Subject: CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY



Charismatic : Only 1

Hands are already in the air.


Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Presbyterians: None

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None

Candles only.


Baptists: At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change
and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about
how much better the old one was.


Mormons: 5

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need
for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light
bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid
paths to
luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You
can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your
choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass and share.


Nazarene : 6

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans: None

Lutherans don't believe in change.


Amish:

What's a light bulb?



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This from someone who commutes into DC from Northern Virginia on the metro on a day when protesters were out in force. Their story is a winner.


I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your axx and open it."

I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words.

[usmc4669]

Little Johnny, whose dad is a Marine fighter pilot, and his friend, Smedley, whose dad is a Marine Grunt were chatting, and as boys do, they started telling tall tales.

Smedley says, "My father can run 1000 miles in one day."

Little Johnny says, "Wow. I don't know if my Dad can do that."

Smedley brags, "You know, if my father raises up his hand he can reach the
sky."

Little Johnny replies, "When your father raises up his hand and near
those clouds does he feel something soft up there?"

"Yes," says Smedley.

Little Johnny says, "Well, those are my Dad's b*lls he's feeling."

[usmc4669]

On the night of the masked ball, a woman developed a migraine and told her husband to go alone. Later she she felt better, so she got into her costume, which her husband had never seen. When she arrived and saw her spouse prancing around with one woman after another, she decided to get even.
Seductively, she whispered sweet nothings in his ear and after a long embrace lured him to the garden. Just before midnight, when everyone was to unmask, the woman slipped away and returned home. Her husband didn't arrive until 3 A.M.

"How was the party?" she asked.

"Dull, he said."

"Did you dance much?"

"To tell the truth," her husband replied, when I got there I saw that Pete, Bill and Fred were stag, too, so we went into the den and played poker."

"You played cards all night?" she shrieked.

"Yeah," he told her. "I gave my costume to Charlie. He said he had the time of his life."

[thedrifter]

New Intel Chip



INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL's(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.

Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electonic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.

The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.

The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several flavors: Standard for the generic PC, Bar-b-que for those engineers and scientists who need an extra kick, Cajun for secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it, Sour-Cream and Onion for the very low end user, and Low Sodium for the laptop market.

Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be released for the Very High End Computing sector. The new chip will be used in powerful parallel and supercomputer systems. The chip will have a slightly modified shape, color, and will be stackable. This project is code named Pringles(TM).

Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months for its own new chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip. Industry insiders believe that the marketing hype for the Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown. Motorola's(TM) new chip is just too late and too underpowered compared to the Intel processor. In addition, the Tortilla(TM) is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM) Chip and is based upon a very different technology.

[thedrifter]

The New Librarian



The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."


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[thedrifter]

New in the Marketplace for this Holiday Season


Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: booklets on sexual responsibility and accessories such as contraceptives, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump (all optional), underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

[thedrifter]

New Model


"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."

[thedrifter]

The New Nurse


A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

[thedrifter]

The New Pastor 1


Pastor Jim was called to serve a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.

"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungie jumping and I felt it would be nice to have fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."

Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."

Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pasor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.

When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "What is a Pinata"?

[thedrifter]

The New Pastor




The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"

[thedrifter]

New Perfume


After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

[thedrifter]

New Rules of Golf



(1) Each golfer receives 2 mulligans, to be taken anywhere except in a sand trap or on the green, for every nine holes played without penalty, unless the golfer needs more.

(2) Whenever not on the green or in a sand trap the golfer may move the ball 2 club head lengths, unless really in trouble in which case the golfer may move the ball two club lengths, in any direction.

(3) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from that point. Preferably atop a firm tuft of grass.

(4) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is somewhere on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else. Therefore it becomes a stolen ball. You should not compound the felony by charging yourself with a penalty stroke.

(5) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in atmosphere without support must drop. The laws of gravity supercede the laws of golf.

(6) The same thing holds for a ball that stops at the brink of a hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law! Same rule applies to a ball that rims a cup. A ball moving sideways defies the law of physics.

[thedrifter]

New Secretary


The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

[thedrifter]

The New Sitter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.

So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.

"But I thought you said your mother always has hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise.

"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."

[thedrifter]

New Teacher



It was the first day at school. The students were all in their seats, waiting for the new teacher to start.

The teacher stands up, and says, "Whoever in here thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

The students all looked at each other, and finally, one boy stood up.

"Do you think you're stupid?" asked the teacher.

"No, said the little boy, "but I didn't want you standing there alone."

[thedrifter]

New Technology



A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."


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[thedrifter]

New York City Visit




Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"


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[thedrifter]

Newly Promoted


Sam was excited about his promotion to Vice President at the company where he worked and kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to his wife.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Then, playing along with his wife, Sam called the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Sam said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Errors


A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.

When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Virus Alert!




If you receive a newspaper with an article in it headlined "Budweiser Frog Dies", DO NOT READ IT.

Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the "Newspaper Virus". When this article is read, it will cause the printed characters on the newspaper to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a big heap in your lap. This particular virus is very nasty in that it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become unusable.

As well, any computer screen viewed with infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative. The New York Times this morning confirmed the existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are now investigating it.

THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE UNITED STATES OPTICAL SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINTED GLASSES BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER.

PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE!


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[thedrifter]

New Year's Resolutions




Resolutions for 1999
--------------------

- Do my taxes......for 1991.

- Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody
hearing.

- Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.

- Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys
at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.

- Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I
purchased never showed up.

- I have been doing a lot of reading about the hazards of chocolate.
For my New Year's resolution, I am quitting it totally. 100%. Completely.
That's right, starting next week absolutely no more reading!

A Look Back at Past Resolutions
-------------------------------

RESOLUTION #1
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish The Pelican Brief
1997: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
1998: I will read at least one article this year.
1999: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
1997: I will work out 5 days a week.
1998: I will work out 3 days a week.
1999: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
1997: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
1998: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2000.
1999: I will try to be out of the country by 2000.

[thedrifter]

New Year Resolutions for Internet Junkies

---


1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

4. I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL ... LOL!"

10. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than "password."

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ... 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

[thedrifter]

New Year's Dinner



As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

[Phantom Blooper]

A ventriloquist was telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stood up and said, "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I...," the ventriloquist started. "No, Not you," said the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

[usmc4669]

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine. I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you will let us know.

By the way, were you aware that John Kerry is scr*wing Jody Foster?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President

[Phantom Blooper]

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

[thedrifter]

Haunting Music

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.?

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

Don't you understand, "He's decomposing".

[thedrifter]

Stop that

A drunk is standing, ****ing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!"

The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zipper. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop. "Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

Surprise

The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!", replied the voice.

"Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

[thedrifter]

Unemployment officer

Last week, Josh and Big Hoss went down to the unemployment office, looking for work.

Josh: "We heard that the fella who bought the Johnson's house is looking for some good workers."

Unemployment Officer: "Oh, you must mean Mr. Turner. I'll give him a phone call right now."

A few minutes later,

Unemployment Officer: "Sorry, guys. You're partly right....he is fixin' up the Johnson's house - new floors, door, windows, that sort of thing; but says he doesn't need any help."

Big Hoss: "Not what we heard. We heard, after he got the new windows installed, he was looking for some good window shutters."

[thedrifter]

Prisoner

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

[thedrifter]

Huge bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.

Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "

[thedrifter]

Doomed to Die

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that did sop him from treatin' Slash special from time to time.

A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the Warden asked Slash, if there was anything special he would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like the Warden to contact his wife and have her make baked beans for the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big feed of baked beans.

The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him. "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?"

Slash answered' "I ain't gonna die tomorrow.".

The other prisoner then said, "but tomorrow is Friday and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair."

"Don't matter,", said Slash, "if these beans can't kill me, nothin' can."

[thedrifter]

Flight out of Dallas

Two Sailors boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for
Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two Sailors. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Sailor in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up
and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Sailors picked up the Marine's shoe and spit
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Sailor said,
"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the
other Sailor picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned
and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine
asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

[thedrifter]

Hiccups

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if she can give him something to cure hiccups. The pharmacist leans over the counter and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for!" demands the man.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

"Lady, I don't have the hiccups... my wife does!"

[thedrifter]

The Christian and the Atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday,
when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to
himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she
know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her,
saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no
God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord
explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. AS

USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Humph . . .

I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of
groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch,
rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the
Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting' everywhere! The
atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ole' crazy lady,

God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she
broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the
Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . .
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I
didn't know he was going to make the devil pay for them!"

[usmc4669]

*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t!"

*[An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

*A Marine Scout/Sniper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then stalking 30 miles through the brush to an FFP, says, "I love this sh*t."

*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

[wayne553]

Subject: Retirement

The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who
volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in
a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to
choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted,
asked that he be measured from thetop of his head to the tip of his
toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of
$72,000.The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked
to bemeasured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip
of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that
he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice checks the
previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant
to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure
on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he
suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant calmly
replied....... "Vietnam; have a wonderful day!"

[Phantom Blooper]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

[Ed Palmer]

When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and
General Minh was in charge, a
popular artist came to him and asked to make a
statue in his honor (at
government expense). "Please, General Minh, you
are the people's hero," he
told him.

"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied
the General.

So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was
unveiled in a small
private ceremony, the General was furious. The
sculpture was made in gold.

"I want bronze," he said, "I told you, want
bronze!"

The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed
with this show of
humility. But he still wanted to honor the
general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.

But again the General was furious. "I want
bronze," he said, "I WANT
BRONZE!"

This time the artist made the sculpture out of
bronze as asked. When the
sculpture was revealed to the General, he was
overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness.

The artist then complimented the General on his
deep humility. But this
notion confused the General.

"But then, why did you want sculpture made of
bronze?"

"Why? I'll tell you why," said the General,
"Because everyone knows that
Minh prefer bronze!"

[thedrifter]

New York City Driving Rules



1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

8) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

11) Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

12) It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

13) Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Ad


The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

[thedrifter]

Next Time




One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

[thedrifter]

The Nickel



There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

[thedrifter]

911 Dispatcher



Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

[thedrifter]

The Ninth Green


The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt ....."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[thedrifter]

A 90's Marriage




I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"

[thedrifter]

95th Birthday




"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

[thedrifter]

Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale



And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and the plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

"Government."

[thedrifter]

No Brains, No Headache


REAL STORIES OF TECHNICALLY-CHALLENGED PEOPLE


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.
I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries ... it's a long walk."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it's in?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped
coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something
she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I
got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case
and sure enough, there was 40 cents.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name
to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking
about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down
exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said,
"Yeah, that's it!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to
cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to
unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control, then went in back to make a sandwich.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to
hold?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to
fit your television screen."
He then added: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

[thedrifter]

No Button To Stay Put




Exclusive to the Los Angeles Times from the Washington Post
(Printed Wednesday, November 10, 1971)

WASHINGTON -- Health, Education and Welfare Department workers at the 18-story Parklawn Building here were treated recently to a memo on proper elevator button-pushing technique.

The quidelines explain that employees who wish to descend should push the elevator "DOWN" button.

On the other hand, those wanting to go up should push to "UP" button.

Pushing both at the same time, H.E.W. warns, is counter-productive.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tom's note: shortly after I sent this, I received the following comment from a reader of Good Clean Fun.

What a flashback. I worked in a Federal Building in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania from 1972 to 1979. I worked for the Ofice for Civil Rights which fell under H.E.W. jurisdiction.

Well....it was a brand new building. We all moved in before it was finished. Eighteen floors. Six elevator shafts and only one working elevator. Some of us learned (since our office was on the 6th floor) that if you caught the elevator going the opposite direction you could push two different floor buttons (something like 3 & 15) and reverse the direction of the elevator! Boy, did that save alot of time and impressed the dickens out of unsuspecting folks joining you on the ride.

[thedrifter]

No Charge



When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers. Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right.

The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.

"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist, and these are my bacteria cultures."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Phantom Blooper]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a little old lady, who every morning,
stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He
became irritated at
the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her
and yell: "THERE IS
NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way
every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old
lady stepped onto her
front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please
Lord, I have no food and I
am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there
were two HUGE bags of
groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried
out. "HE HAS PROVIDED
GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and
shouted: "THERE IS NO
LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady! threw her arms into the air and
shouted: "PRAISE THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE
DEVIL PAY FOR THEM

[Phantom Blooper]

An Indian chief had three wives. The first gave birth to a boy. Elated,
the chief built her a teepee of deer hide. The second gave birth, also
to a boy. He built her a teepee of antelope hide. The third wife gave
birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details secret. He built
this one a two-story teepee, made of hippopotamus hide. No one could
guess what had happened. Finally, a brave guessed the third wife had
had twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you know?" Said the
warrior, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus
is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[Phantom Blooper]

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to New Orleans.

Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin round an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky.

He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah-gar-own-tee!

Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun? An how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause ---- de silence was deafanin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is."

[Phantom Blooper]

A prisioner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he recieved another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance,
anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are
you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman." "But I haven't even touched you," says the
officer."

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says, "Have a nice day."

:banana:

[Catz1611]

:D :D Hee hee!
Those were GRRRREAT! :bunny:

[thedrifter]

No Diet, Just Exercise



With the holidays approaching, it is important to keep in shape. Perhaps your New Year's Resolution will be to do more exercise. With that in mind here is a little exercise you can do ... no dieting, just a little exercise. Remember, physical exercise is good for you. This easy daily program can be done by most people. I can do it. You can do it, too. The program can be used without charge. Once you have completed the program you will be saying "Whew! What a work out!" I have been doing these exercises for awhile so my workout is a bit faster than those of you just starting out. Don't worry. You might want to take it easy at first and the do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some, so always consult your doctor before starting this or any exercise program.

Ready? Here we go...

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Now scroll up....... Repeat

Feel the burn?

That's my kind of exercise!

[thedrifter]

No Enemies




A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.

"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."

[thedrifter]

No Excuse Sunday


An excerpt from a real church bulletin (Aug 4, 1996):

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in". We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talks too softly", and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. Score cards for those who wish to list hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to Church and cook dinner also. One section will be devoted to trees